A Kick in the Pants from God...

This weekend we were called out to join in fellowship with other Salvationists at our divisions Family Camp Meetings. I usually enjoy these times set apart to really get focused and to seek what God has in store for me. This year was different. After a year on the field (a year of exhaustion, confusion, questions, and frustrations) I just wanted to have a time to "have it out" with God. I always felt like camp was the one place where I could have uninterrupted "sessions" with Him. Every defining moment of my faithwalk happened at camp. This was the place where I finally surrendered my life to Him. This was the vehicle of ministry throughout my high school and college years. This was the place where 5 years before I had committed my life to serving Him through the ministry of officership. This was the place where I had come seeking after Him over and over, never to be disappointed.

I needed some answers and knew that He was the one to ask. As an officer I was feeling extremely isolated and alone (even with a wonderful husband, 2 children, and a dog at home)-something I had never experienced. Although we are a ministry team, the effects and experiences of the work are felt individually--and I was having a tough year. What began the "kick in my spiritual pants" was during a leadership dinner. The devotion was about the prophet Elijah. As many times as I have read about this great prophet, I never saw myself in the passage...until Saturday evening. When Col. LaMarr was reading the passage where he was venting to God about being all alone in the work...I began to feel a sharp pain in my stomach (and it wasn't the meatballs). The more she spoke about the passage, I kept thinking about my questions...why God. Why did you call me to this ministry? Why are people so unconcerned about their souls? Why are Christians unconcerned about other's souls? Why? At the end of these questions, she read the part about the still small voice. I needed to stop and listen for this voice...not to be overwhelmed by the earthquakes, fires, and winds that surrounded me! This would have to be the first step if I hoped to find any answers this weekend.

Later that evening into Sunday morning I just listened with my heart. Waiting for the still small voice. The music was beautiful, the prayers and songs were moving, but that wasn't the vehicle God would use. Col. LaMarr spoke about the power of the Spirit. How do we dare enter into any ministry without the full surrender and power of the Spirit!! It hit me...that voice, three words continued to swirl in my mind "Go to them". I thought, do you realize what you're asking? Do you not realize what is already on my plate? And nothing but "Go to them" was the answer. I struggled with this for what seemed like hours, but soon understood that there are those who may never enter our doors. I thought of testimonies from the weekend, conversations with other officers, and thought....I need to go. Where? I didn't know...but if God was calling me out, I'd go! How? Only with His Spirit could I do it. That's when it happened. I wept. I couldn't believe that the answer was so simple, but I let my disappointments and struggles fog my spiritual eyes. I had to let go...I had to just trust that He had a plan, a vision for our ministry that would take unwaivering faith and focus on Him.

I came this weekend thinking that I was going to prove some point or get God to do something for me...but in reality He was looking to have me do something for Him. I have had my spiritual vision readjusted and know that without Him, any feeble attempt I make at ministry will be like beating against the wind. It's not about where we serve, it's about how we serve. I need the eyes of Christ, the heart of the Father, and the power of the Spirit. All the questions, doubts, frustrations are behind...it's like we've been re-assigned to our corps and our community. I approach this with new excitement and expectations that God will do a mighty work through this ordinary vessel. Praise God for my spiritual kick in the pants!